The proper use of gender identity terms, including pronouns, is a first step toward respecting people’s identities and creating a more welcoming space for people of all genders.
“Pronouns are basically how we identify ourselves apart from our name. It’s how someone refers to you in conversation,” according to Mary Emily O’Hara, a communications officer at GLAAD. “And when you’re speaking to people, it’s a really simple way to affirm their identity.”
Pronouns 101: The Basics
Pronouns are the words you may like others to use for you in place of your proper name.
Some examples include “she/her” or “he/him” or gender-neutral pronouns, such as “ze/hir,” [pronounced: zee/heer] or “they/them.” Some people use specific pronouns, any pronouns, or none at all.
There has been a shift away from the term “preferred gender pronoun” or “PGP” to just using “pronoun.”
The change was made because a person’s pronouns are not just preferred; they are the pronouns that must be used. Similarly, “gender” was dropped because pronouns do not always reflect or indicate someone’s gender.
Pronouns can sometimes be a signifier of someone’s gender identity, but not always. We do not want to assume people’s gender identity based on expression (typically shown through clothing, hairstyle, mannerisms, etc.).
By providing an opportunity for people to share their pronouns, you are showing that you are not assuming that their gender identity is based on their appearance.
The singular ‘they,’ multiple pronouns, or none at all
‘They’ is considered a gender-neutral pronoun, compared to pronouns like ‘he/him’ or ‘she/her’ which are generally perceived as gendered terms. Some trans and gender non-conforming people may use ‘they,’ ‘them,’ and ‘theirs’ as personal pronouns.
Some people may wish to use more than one set of pronouns to refer to themselves. For example, a gender non-conforming person may feel equally comfortable with they/them, he/him, or she/her pronouns.
If someone uses more than one set of pronouns, you can ask them what they would prefer you to use. They may prefer you use all of them interchangeably or keep to one set.
Remember that this can be contextual- someone may use different pronouns at work or home.
For some people, the correct way to refer to them is by using their names only. If you are unsure of someone’s pronouns, you can refer to them by name instead.
Pronouns: Mistakes and misgendering
Misgendering refers to the experience of being labeled by others as a gender other than the one that a person identifies with. Because many (not all) associate their pronouns with their gender identity, using the wrong pronouns intentionally or unintentionally is a form of misgendering.
If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun when identifying someone, simply apologize and move on. And immediately use the correct pronoun.
The important thing to be mindful of is to not unload your guilty feelings on transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people or expect immediate forgiveness. They might have a strong reaction to being misgendered and need space to re-center themselves.