Lesbian sex: Everything straight people wanted to know (but were afraid to ask)

Now that we’ve been allowed to assimilate with the so-called normal people– such as being allowed to marry like the rest of the society– lesbians are now a curiosity.

Questions have started to circulate. Some questions are just plain silly, like: “Do you also drink tea like our lesbian neighbour, Jen?” Some are absurdly profound (or profoundly absurd?): “Do you think God created homosexuals to curb population boom?”

But the question straight people most want to know about is the sex; they’re just afraid to ask. Fortunately, the phone lines are open and we’re now taking in a handful of questions.

Lesbian sex question #1: Without the penis, is it still sex?

Thanks to former President Bill Clinton, that time when oral sex wasn’t considered sexual relations has passed. Let’s be clear: anything that gives you orgasm is a form of sex.

Hand job is sex. Sex toy enhanced orgasm is sex. Cunnilingus is sex. Anal sex is sex. So with or without an actual penis, what you do is sex.

Lesbian sex question #2: What kind of sex do you do?

Mostly, we do hand jobs. If capable, both parties simultaneously do it. But one after the other is also fine.

We also do a lot of oral sex. This is why we are also called carpetmunchers. See that patch of hair on the vagina? That’s known as carpet and we munch them.

We also do dry-humping, which we know you also do. And then scissoring.

Lesbian sex question #3: What exactly is scissoring?

Its official name is tribadism. But for a more visual terminology, you can’t get any more accurate than with scissoring.

According to Wikipedia, scissoring is “a sex act in which a woman rubs her vulva against her partner’s body for sexual stimulation, especially for ample stimulation of the clitoris. This may involve female-to-female genital contact or a female rubbing her vulva against her partner’s thigh, stomach, buttocks, arm, or other body part.”

It’s exclusively girl-to-girl action because it would be hard to scissor a penis on any part of the body. The damn thing keeps getting in the way.

Lesbian sex question #4: Do you like lesbian porn?

No.

Lesbian sex question #5: Do you have gender roles, like one is the guy?

As much as we want to downplay stereotypical roles, it can’t be helped in some relationships that there is a man and there is a woman. We did go through centuries of heterosexual practices.

There are relationships that take on a butch/femme relationships. Much like heterosexuals, couples take on roles. It’s an innate human behaviour.

What is important is that the relationship works and the sex life is thriving.

So the next time someone comes up to you with the usual questions on lesbian sex, send them this post. You’re welcome.